With no shoes on our feet, no jackets to keep us warm, no money in my wallet and no identification to cross the border all I could do was hope. It had begun raining once we reached Everett and the sound of the drops hitting the roof of the car was almost unbearable. It reminded me of the white noise from the television. He would unplug the cable and turn the tv up loud to muffle the sounds of my cries and screams. Lashes with a leather belt would slap my skin and welts would raise up instantaneously. He liked to hear me cry... the louder I was the sooner he would stop and throw me to the ground and rape me. Sometimes I didn't want him to touch me and I would take the beatings because those scars were always less damaging.
"Pull over Jenn. I can't take it!" I had started crying and needed out of the car for fresh air. I wasn't really sure why I was crying either, but it was like years of built up pain was finally able to come out. Pent up emotions reached the surface layers and my facade was removed. I didn't know who I was anymore. I lost an identity that I had grown accustom to and was free to be myself... but who am I?
Jenn yelled from the car to me, but I could not hear anything she said over the rain and my cries. "Get out of the rain! You're going to get sick!" I walked towards the car with intentions of getting back in, but I couldn't do it. I turned back around and walked away. Jenn got out of the car and ran over to me. When she was able to reach me I was spun around and found myself crying on her shoulder. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid he will find me. I'm afraid I'll never move forward. I don't even know where I'm going right now or what I'm going to do when I get there." I wasn't able to convey everything I was feeling because I didn't understand all the mixed emotions myself. As we stood in the rain, me in my bare feet, she held me and had began crying herself. She begged me to get back in the car and out of the rain and I obliged.
When we got in the car, my daughter asked me what was wrong. She had woken up when Jenn yelled from the car and I told her a lie. I needed to preserve her innocence, so I lied. "I'm afraid of lightening and when I saw a bolt come down I thought it was going to hit us in the car." Of course she believed me. She smiled and said something I will never forget, "you don't have be afraid mommy. I'm here to keep you safe." And she was right.
Jenn continued to drive up interstate 5 towards Canada. My daughter had fallen back to sleep and I looked over at Jenn who had streaks down her cheek from crying. She looked at me and told me that this was not going to be easy. "I'm not going to lie to you and promise that everything is going to get better right away because it's not. It took me five years to get to a place within myself that allowed me to be the person I am today. You have a long difficult road ahead of you, but don't give ever give up."
I didn't respond. I just looked back out the window and tried to ignore the white noise above. She was right though and I think that was why I was afraid. I wasn't secure enough with myself and I didn't believe that I could make it through the trying times ahead. All I had been up until this point was a hustler and a bartender, but I needed to make fast cash so I could get us a home. Then I remembered the stash I had hidden back in Las Vegas. I just needed to get someone to lend me money for a flight so I could go get it. I had put aside for emergencies, like when I didn't make enough money through the week and I wanted to avoid getting beaten. I had $28,000 hidden in my hotel room.
He used to make me bring $9000 a week. If there wasn't a detecter that made sure I wasn't leaving Las Vegas with $10,000 he would have made me bring him that ten, but because he wanted to evade the IRS I was given a thousand dollar grace each week. Sometimes I would splurge on myself and buy a new outfit or rent a car to get around, but for the most part, the money was put into the hiding spot for the days I didn't want to work or didn't make enough to take back to Seattle.
I would fly out of Vegas on Tuesday afternoon and return Wednesday evening each week. When I brought all the money with me I was granted a visit with my daughter. However, when I didn't bring enough, I was beaten and not allowed to see her in that condition. Those weeks I would go back to Vegas and work non-stop until I had what I needed, then I would send some through western union and keep the rest for the next trip back. This often made me short for the next weeks installment, so it was a vicious cycle that was hard to get out of.
I eventually found my niche. I had started in an agency, going from hotel to hotel for very little money. The first few times I cried and the guys felt sorry for me and would let me leave with the money without doing anything. I thought I had a scheme all figured out, but then I met a guy who really didn't care about the tears. He wanted what he wanted and wasn't taking no for an answer. As time went by I learned how to shut it all out; the sounds, the scents, the sensations. Then I figured out the art of faking it. A little extra flesh on the inner thigh proved to be a positive.
I found myself inside a strip club. I was dancing for dollars inside a club called Cheetahs. I met a few girls there and they taught me a few tricks of their own. I used those to my advantage and the jobs kept getting easier and easier. At the same time, I was drinking more and more to mask the pain. At the end of the night, sometimes the girls would want to go to an after hours or come by my room and relax. Jessica found out that my so called man never comes to Vegas with me and labeled me a renegade with all the pimps in Las Vegas. My name got around fast and every corner I turned was a potential trap. It was worse than running from the police.
After two weeks of not coming up with enough money, I decided to tell him that the pimps had me on the chase and weren't letting me work. He made a few phone calls to a couple guys and before I knew it, no one was bothering me anymore, but I was not allowed to go back to Cheetahs.
I decided I wanted to learn the carpet and do free lance. I was tired of giving money to clubs and agencies. The thousands I was giving them each week could have saved me from so many brutal lashes. Unfortunately, I didn't know the first thing about working the strip. That's when I ran into an old friend from Vancouver. She was a pro on the floor and could catch a fish with a batt of a lash. I liked her style and figured I could learn things from her for less than agency fees each week. So her and I teamed up, she taught me a few things, but I found myself intrigued with the tables. Sometimes I would sit down and spend ten or twenty dollars and walk away with a hundred or two. Abby told me that if I was going to sit at a table to make it work for me. I watched as she sat next to a man playing hundred dollar hands. When he wasn't looking she would take one of his chips and slip it up her sleeve.
"What is your citizenship ladies?" "I'm American and her and her daughter are Canadian." "How long were you in the US ma'am?" 'Ma'am' I thought. 'I bet he means madam doesn't he?' I couldn't help but think this guy had met me in Vegas, but I looked over towards him and said "I was there for a week." "Are you bringing anything back with you?" "No sir, just my clothes." "Alright then ladies, you have a good evening."
God was definitely on my side. As I released a sigh of relief I could feel a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I guided Jenn towards my friends house. The closer we got, the more nervous I had begun to feel. What if she wasn't home? What if she couldn't take us in? Where would I go? Who would I call? The questions were running through my head faster than I could come up with any answers.
As we pulled up in front of Shannon's house, I sat in the car and looked at it to make sure it was the right house. I wanted to see if I could see her inside or not, but the curtains were closed. I walked towards the door and when I knocked, I heard the television go silent in the back room. I knocked again and within a minute the door was opened. I looked at her and she looked at me from head to toe. I was still wet from standing in the rain and the fact that I wasn't wearing any shoes was a clear sign of destitution. "Oh my God! What happened to you? Where is my God daughter?" With my eyes already welled up with tears and red from crying all day I fell into her arms and said "I'm so happy to see you!"
She invited me in, but I told her I had to run to the car to get Kiarrah. She told me to hold on and went to the closet to get some slippers and a sweater. I put them on and went back to the car. Jenn smiled. "Welcome to your new life. Be safe Corey!" She got out to give me one last hug. She knew this was going to be the last time we ever saw one another just as much as I knew it.
No comments:
Post a Comment