Chapter One

The sky is grey. It isn't raining, but it will probably rain later tonight. My head is resting against the cold glass of the passenger side of my friends Ford Taurus. I'm staring blankly at the grey sky. I'd like to say that nothing is on my mind, but that would be a bold face lie. Everything that has happened to me over the past three years was playing and replaying in my head.

My mind flashes back a few years to the day I first met you. You seemed harmless and perhaps, just as lost as me. I remember thinking of how refreshing it was to meet someone who is different than the rest. I was intrigued. With a sigh I shake my head for thinking so stupidly. Instantly, I went from that memory to the one where you had me tied to a chair in a dimly lit room. I was crying and begging for my life and it didn't matter to you because I had made a mistake. I had to pay the price for making a mistake. I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. While reliving the moment, my heart rate increases and tears fall down my cheek. I'm glad I have finally gotten away.

Like a time machine I am whisked to a moment when you were bandaging the wounds you had just inflicted on me. As you wiped the blood from my face I remember looking in your eyes and thinking that it wasn't your fault that you are the way you are. I felt sorry for you because for a moment, I thought I saw a decent man hidden behind someone who was created to protect him from the world. Again, the click of the trigger being pulled while the pistol was in my mouth reminded me of how stupid I was for ever thinking anything humane about you.

I was going home and the two hour drive from Seattle to Vancouver seemed so much longer than it had before. My friend Jenn who was driving reaches over and puts her hand on my knee and I couldn't help but jump. It had been years since anyone touched me with compassion or concern. I look at her and realize that I panicked and she tells me not to worry. I look in the backseat of the car and see my baby girl sleeping peacefully. She didn't have a clue what was going on, or what had been happening for years. I turn and face forward and fix my head against the window and stare at the clouds wondering what I'm going to do now...

I became comfortable with my life. I never imagined I would ever be able to escape. I had many chances to leave, but I wasn't going to leave without my daughter. I settled into the structure of doing things I never wanted to do. I even got good at it. I learned how to take a beating without flinching. The hits to my ribs eventually stopped hurting and bruises would heal. He stopped hitting me in the face when he realized the damage he caused prevented me from going to work and bringing him money, but he began doing things he knew would hurt me on the inside so he could maintain his control over me.

He would tell me things like "ain't no nigga gonna wanna raise some other nigga's baby" and "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" and I believed him. I was young and very afraid, so I listened. The first time I heard about the other girl, I lost my mind. I went to the house, slashed the tires in the car I bought him, destroyed the keyholes and poked holes in the soft top. Then I knocked on the door. As SHE opened the door I pushed passed her. He was sitting on the couch with his friend playing video games. When he looked up and saw me he jumped and told me to follow him outside. He didn't even grab my arm... I guess he didn't want HER to see how abusive he was towards me. I followed him, but I stopped at the door and slammed it behind him and closed the latch. SHE obviously knew about me because as I was cussing him out she had a look on her face that gleamed I told you so.

I turned to her after locking the door and asked if she knew me. "You're Kiarrah's mom." She said as she held her glass of wine in one hand and her other holding her hip. I asked what do you know about me? She decided to be cocky at the wrong time and told me about all the things I had furnished her home with and quickly I grabbed MY new blender and hit her in the face with it. He was yelling from the other side of the door to his friend. He commanded him to stop the fight between HER and I, but he was afraid. Instead he opened the door for him. He pulled me off of her and threw me out the door. I went back to the house and cried.

I glance back at the clock realizing how much time had passed. We were sitting at a gas station refueling the car and my friend asked me if I wanted anything to drink. "No thank you." I hadn't even realized the car had stopped. I was so entranced by my past that everything that was happening seemed surreal. I looked back at my daughter who was still sleeping and couldn't help but cry. I didn't know what I was going to do when I got back to Vancouver. Get a job? Go to school? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? There was only one person I could think of, but I was ashamed to even call her. She didn't know what I had been through or where I had gone. I just up and disappeared one day and never came back. She heard from me every now and again, but I lied to her about everything and told her that I was happy. I knew she was still living in the same place, so it was the only hope I had.

How did I get to this point? Just an hour ago I was standing in the kitchen with his mother as she was telling me she needed to go to the store.

"I gotta go to the grocery store. I'll be back in ten minutes, ok?" "Yes big mama." "Don't you go nowhere now you hear?" "Yes big mama."

That woman walks too slow to be back in ten minutes. I knew it took her at least fifteen to get to the store and then depending on what she was getting there was an extra five to ten minutes plus the fifteen it would take her to get back. I'm so nervous. I think this is a test, but what if it is my only chance to escape? As I pick up the receiver, expecting the phone to not work the tone sent chills up and down my body. I dialed my friends pager number and put the secret code her and I had discussed a couple years prior to let her know now is the time. She only lived a few blocks away, but what if she was out doing something or with the kids... would she get to me with enough time for me to get away? I stood by the window, waiting and biting my nails. I was paranoid and looking all around to see if this was a set up. I tried seeing past the stairs. I looked into the laundry room. I checked the trees and bushes, but I saw nothing, yet I believed when I opened the door and ran for the car that he would pop up and give me the worst beating of my life and I would be stuck in this situation forever.

As Jenn pulled up a tingling sensation went through my entire body. I grabbed my daughter and opened the door. I had to take the risk because I knew if I didn't I would definitely be trapped forever. I had to try even if he was standing outside waiting to see what I would do. With our shoes and jackets locked in the room, we ran out in our bare feet straight to her car. She pulled out of the driveway and on to the streets and all I could do was look back to see if anyone was following. Now we're half way to Canada. No one is following us, but what am I going to do now? That is all that keeps running through my head. I lean against the glass as Jenn gets back in the car. She doesn't say anything because she knows what I'm going through. She had been in a similar situation a few years back and now she's doing great for herself. She was running a business, married with two more children and seemed to be happy, so I should be able to pull my life back together as well. Right?