Chapter Six

Shannon had to go to work and left me a key incase I decided to leave the house.  I had no where to go.  The only thing I needed to do was get to Vegas to get that money, so I made calls to everyone I could remember.  I had lost most of my numbers and stopped talking to most everyone.  It had been three years since I had been back and I had no idea what anyone was doing with their lives.  Fortunately, Shannon was friends with a few people and had their numbers written down in her phone book.

I figured I could borrow some money and pay it right back the same day.  I thought someone would trust me enough to do that.  I really only had a couple days to do it.  My rent was due tomorrow and if I didn't pay it, they would assume that I checked out and would have the room cleaned of everything I had.  All my clothes, the money, my dishes and personal belongings that I had acquired over the past three years.  I didn't want any of that other stuff, just the money so I could start my life over.  I had to act fast.  I waited until Shannon got home and I asked her after telling her everything I had been through.  Unfortunately, she didn't have the money to lend me and was in a lot of debt herself.  I know she would have done it for me, but circumstances had it that she was not in much of a better financial position than I was.

"Can you come bail me out?"  I was lucky when I arrived at the police station.  The camera had broken and they were out of syringes.  The only thing they could do was take my finger prints.  In Las Vegas, when you're arrested for soliciting they make you take a blood test and if you are HIV positive you are not only charged with soliciting, but also with attempted murder.  The lady who was supposed to take the blood work looked at my papers and said "you are extremely lucky we can't take a picture of you or get your blood work.  If you get out of here tonight or tomorrow morning, you should really consider going back to where ever it is that you came from and never come back."  As if it were only that easy.

The girl next to me in the holding area was a really pretty spanish lady.  She was on the phone with her mom talking really loud about what had just happened to her.  "The one guy walked up to me and said you look like a hooker and I just shook my head and roll my eyes and said yea, that's right and walked away.  Next thing I knew another guy grabbed me and now I'm in county.  I finally earned my ho degree momma aren't you proud?"  I honestly couldn't believe she was telling her mother like it was a funny story.  If I was her mother I would have been mortified.

"Mommy.  I'm hungry!"  I still didn't feel at home in Shannon's place.  Especially since I knew she was having hardships herself.  I was so used to being able to get whatever I wanted when I was in Vegas and going home to be dependent on others until I was on my feet was starting to make my old life look more and more appealing.  Sushi would be great right now, but I suppose we'll just have to settle for a peanut butter sandwich.  'It's not going to be easy' kept running through my head.  I couldn't even begin to fathom how difficult it was going to get.  I just wanted to get my money in Vegas so I could at least have a head start, but who could help me within 24 hours?

"Why do you keep throwing up?  Everything you eat gets thrown up... are you pregnant?"  "I shouldn't be, but I haven't been feeling good for a few weeks."  "I just found out that I'm pregnant and I bought a double pack of tests, the extra one is upstairs in the bathroom.  Next time you have to use the toilet you should do the test."  Nicky was five months pregnant and making plans to move back to Vancouver.  Her mother had passed away and left her with an inheritance.  Her father, who was not particularly vested in her life, was coming to Las Vegas next week to help her get ready for the move back.

Nicky was renting a town house in the southern part of Las Vegas.  That summer it was so hot that people were buying ice cubes for their swimming pools.  We went out for a swim, but had to come inside shortly after.  Neither one of us could tolerate being outside for too long.  That was when I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom.  I remembered her suggestion and I shrugged it off... there was no way I was pregnant.  I had gotten my period and still taking birth control.  The one time there was even a remote possibility I was pregnant I was forced to use a third measure of precaution.

Later that evening Nicky had this drinking game and had her room mate come downstairs to play with us.  We had just come back from going through the Boston Market drive through in our towels.  We drenched ourselves in bikinis and wrapped up in a damp towel because her car had no air-conditioning.  Vic joined our little drinking game and we ate our food as we did penalty shots and rolled the dice.  We were having so much fun that I had forgotten I was stuck in Las Vegas.

In the middle of the game I went upstairs to use the toilet again.  When I sat down, I thought about the pregnancy test and thought I would urinate on the stick to humor my friend.  If anything, at least it would rule out one reason why I was throwing up all the time.  I peed on the stick, put the lid on, wiped myself and started washing my hands.  I turned to walk out of the bathroom and quickly turned back around to grab the test.  I saw the window changing colors, but I had no idea what the lines meant.  I handed it to Nicky and without hesitation she responded "you're pregnant!"  "Shut up Nicky, I am not!"  "Seriously, you are."  When she got up to get the box with the instructions, I knew she was serious.

"How far along am I?"  "According to the size of the baby we can only guess that you are approximately 21 weeks along."  Nicky paid for me to go to a pregnancy clinic to get an ultra sound.  "Wow, you're a week further than me and you didn't know this whole time?"  "No, I took a morning after pill in the beginning of February because he thought the condom leaked."  The nurse looked at me concerned and said "that would have been around the time you conceived.  This could cause some serious complications and you should really consider aborting the baby."  "Isn't she too far along for abortion?"  "Yes, but in some situations you can do one at this stage, however, we would have to induce labor and force her to have the baby pre-term."

They wanted me to give birth to a still born child.  It was too much pressure for me to make a decision right then and there, besides, I didn't have any money to pay for an abortion.  I had to leave the clinic.  How could I be that far along?  I'm smaller than I ever was in my life right now and other than throwing up all the time, I feel fine.  "I need to go home."  "You could drive with me and my dad if you want."  "Sounds good!"

Nicky's father was scheduled to arrive in two days and he was going to stay for four and then they were both going to drive back.  One would drive the uhaul truck with all her furniture and the other would drive her car and I would keep her company.  Nicky and I spent those few nights doing a bunch of things since we were leaving and never coming back.  We went on the big shot, every roller coaster and on a horseback ride through the grand canyon.  We toured the strip shows, went go-carting and got to hold lion cubs at MGM.  Once again I had forgotten about my plight and didn't contact anyone back home.

When her father arrived, he convinced her that it was a bad idea that I was with her and that I was using her for her money.  They went out to price the uhaul one morning and came back to the house with an address to a homeless shelter and dropped me off.  "You're not my responsibility.  I have to think about my baby."  As she drove away, I couldn't believe I had been abandoned twice in one month in the same city.  I walked into the shelter and registered myself.  I had the ultrasound picture of the baby and got an extra milk with my meals.  I was there for three days before the co-ordinator came to me with an answer to my problem.  "You can call the embassy of Canada.  They can get you emergency funds to get you home.  Here is the number, you can use the pay phone outside."

I called the embassy and qualified for a ticket home.  They paid for the ticket and flew me out a few days later.  The volunteer staff at the shelter pooled together to get me money for a taxi ride and food at the airport.  They all signed a card, put the money inside and off to the airport I went.

Chapter Five

I didn't know I was pregnant.  I couldn't figure out why I was so thin and sickly.  I had already gone to the clinic and taken a morning after pill after being on birth control because he didn't want me to have a baby.  "You need to go to the clinic, I think the condom leaked."  "I'm on birth control already."  "I don't care, get the pill just to be safe."

Every day that I had been home he was calling.  Kelly would answer the phone and throw it at me when she heard his voice.  She couldn't stand him or what he had done.  "I miss you.  I want you to come back.  I was wrong!  I swear it won't happen again."  "I'm not coming back Ronnie, you can forget it."  "I'll send you money to get your passport and I will book the flight once you receive it.  You're coming back.  I can't live without you here."

A few weeks went by and I had gotten my passport picture taken and went to the office to do the application.  When I finally got the passport I didn't tell him.  I wasn't ready to go back to him.  I cared about him, but I couldn't believe he could hurt me the way he did.  I was living with Kelly at the time and trying to find a job, but nothing was coming together for me.  As the time went by, he was being his old self again and it managed to conjure up all the old feelings.  Maybe it was a mistake because of the impression his boys were leaving on him.  He had never done it before, maybe he'll never do it again!

"I got my passport yesterday."  "Great, I'll book you a flight for Friday and send you money for a bus ticket to Seattle."  I was still nervous to go, but figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Once I made it to Seattle, his friend Aaron picked me up from the bus station and drove me to the airport.  I had a few hours before the flight and I was really hungry so I asked Aaron to stop at get me some fried chicken from Ezells Kitchen in South Seattle.  It was on the way from the downtown bus station to the airport, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem.  "Ronnie said to take you straight to the airport and that's it.  I'm not stopping no where."

As soon as I got on the flight I asked the stewardess for a bag of pretzels.  I ate those really fast and downed a bottle of water.  When the flight was in taxi to the runway, I began feeling nauseous.  I sat through take off and the moment the seat belt sign came off I ran to the bathroom and threw up.  I had never gotten motion sickness before so I thought it was because I was hungry and ate too fast.

When I arrived in Las Vegas, Ronnie picked me up from the airport.  As we approached Joe's house I demanded him to stop at the convenience store.  "I need a V8 and I need it RIGHT NOW!!!"  "Damn, ok!"  He hadn't even fully stopped the car and I had already opened my door.  I ran in and straight to the fridge and grabbed a V8.  I opened it and drank the entire can in one sip.  It wasn't until I took the can away from lips that I had realized I grabbed the spicy one, which burned my throat more than anything.  He came in the store and asked if there was anything else I wanted.  I shook my head and he paid for the can of V8.

A week went by and we didn't fight.  He went to train for his fighting and I would stay at the house with Joe.  "We're just staying here until I can get the team to pay for a place for us."  There were three girls living there with Joe already and that other guy I had met the last time I was at Joe's had moved out.  One of the girls was about seven months pregnant and heading home at the end of the month.  The other two were friends from high school and both working for Joe, but Sunshine was his main girl.  She worked during the day while Minx worked at night.

When Alisha went home to her parents at the end of the month to relax before having the baby, the house was a lot calmer.  She was always high strung and talked real loud.  Sunshine and Minx would spend most of the evenings together between work, going for lunch, working out and tanning or shopping.  They never really accepted me into the house, but made sure to talk with Ronnie whenever he was around like I wasn't there.  One day I was left with Joe alone and we sat playing video games and joking around.  When Ronnie came in I knew he didn't like what he saw, but nothing was happening.  "Go to the room."  I got up and went into the bedroom him and I had been staying in.  I could here him talking to Joe, but Joe just told him that he was trippin' and needed to chill.  When Ronnie came in the room he told me to pack my things because he was taking me to a hotel.

When we got to the hotel he pulled up in front and told me to wait in the car.  He went inside and paid for the room and came back.  He handed me the key and told me to stay there until Sunday.  I had a whole weekend in the hotel and I was happy about it.  I just didn't realize he wasn't going to be staying with me, but that was a welcomed break.  I got my things from the trunk and watched as he drove back towards Joe's house.  The hotel he took me to wasn't too far from the house, but in that heat, there was no distance close enough for walking.

I went to the room and settled in.  I watched a couple movies, took a relaxing bath and then realized I had no money for food or anything.  So I called over to Joe's house and asked if Ronnie had come back.  Ronnie got on the phone and sharply asked what it was that I wanted.  I said "I have no money for food."  "Order room service."  "Alright.  Goodbye."  "Corey.  Don't call the house cause I'm not going to be here.  I have to train all weekend.  I'll pick you up at check out on Sunday."  "Ok, goodbye."  Room service?  

Check out was at noon on Sunday and everything was paid for on a credit card.  I have no idea whose credit card it was, but I know I didn't have to worry about it.  I sat out in front of the hotel where he had dropped me off.  I tried calling the house before going downstairs, but there was no answer so I figured he was downstairs waiting already.  I waited for about an hour before going into the hotel and asking them to call the house for me again, but there was still no answer.  I figured he was caught up with training, but he said he would be here.  After another hour passed I decided to bare the heat and walk to the house.  It was only about five blocks and I didn't have that much to carry.

When I got to the house I noticed that the door was ajar.  I knocked.  "Hello?  Anybody home?"  I gently nudged the door open more and could see into the living room.  Nothing was there.  The big screen television, the sectional leather sofa, the tables and paintings... they were all gone.  I walked into the house still calling out to see if someone was there.  I checked all the rooms, but everything had been moved out and no one was there.  I had been abandoned.  I guess this was payback for going home.  I knew I shouldn't have come back.  How stupid was I?

I didn't know what to do or where to go.  I sat on the empty living room floor crying.  I didn't have any money and I had no way to get home.  Then I remembered someone telling me that an old friend had moved to Las Vegas a couple years back.  I also knew the house phone had not yet been disconnected.  So I quickly ran over to a neighbors house and asked if I can borrow their phone.  "Sure come in."  "No, I don't think you understand, I need to actually take your phone to my house and make long distance calls.  I will bring it back.  I'm right over in that place right there."  As he handed me the phone I could tell that he was thinking this was the strangest thing anyone has ever asked of him, but he let me borrow it and I made call after call trying to locate Nicky.

After hours had gone by, the phone rang.  "Hello?"  "Who is this?"  "This is Corey.  Who is this?"  "Nicky.  Corey who?"  "From Vancouver."  "WOW!  Where are you?  What are you doing?"  "Actually, that's why I'm calling you.  Can you come get me and I will explain everything to you."  "Sure, where are you?"  I gave her the address and waited for her to arrive.  When she got there, she walked in to see the empty place and asked what had happened.  I explained everything and she walked me to the neighbors house to return the phone.

"Did you get any sleep?"  "No."  "Are you going to tell me what is going on?"  "It is a really long story and the first thing I want to tell you is that I love you and I'm sorry."  "I'm not worried about that right now Corey.  I'm concerned as to why you showed up on my door step with no shoes or cloths and drenched to the bone."

Chapter Four

I wasn't used to sleeping at night.  Generally I would get up around three or four in the afternoon, go to the San Remo hotel and casino for some sushi and then head out for the night.  I would usually be back in my hotel room between five and seven in the morning.  After all, Las Vegas is the city that never sleeps.  After working I would go to the MGM and have eggs benedict over lox instead of ham.  It was what I looked forward to each night.  Sometimes I would go for something different, like the New England clam chowder at New York New York or the breakfast buffet on Sundays at the Belagio, but for the most part, my routine was predictable.

As I was laying on the couch with my daughter trying to fall asleep, the unfamiliar sounds of being in a new place kept me awake.  

"This looks like a good table."  "Well, get in there then.  I'll be right over here for a few minutes.  After I leave, I will meet you by the main entrance on the hour every hour till we catch up."  I hand the dealer a fifty and wink.  He gives me the confirmation nod and I'm in the game.  The man to my right was playing big, but I could tell that he was constantly counting his chips.  The man on my left was drunk and playing fairly average hands, but had a large stack of black and green chips in front of him.  My first hand was a black jack and the table welcomed me with open arms.  I ordered my usual sapphire bombay and tonic.  Time was passing and I hadn't managed to snag one chip from the man.  My money was up and it wasn't seeming like a total loss.  I was a bit too nervous to palm the chips, but was so impressed with the amount of money she was able to get from the guy without him even noticing.  So I reached in and was successful.  I slipped the black chip into my pocket and made eye contact with the dealer.  The waitress came around with our drinks and the man was becoming more and more inebriated.

More time passed and the guy on my right who wasn't drinking and kept counting his chips got up from the table.  It seemed as if the entire table was relieved by his departure.  The spot opened up to a young lady who seemed to be naive to anything that was going on.  She placed her chips on the table and started in on the next hand.  Everyone seemed interested to see how she was going to play, but as she looked away I managed to swipe one of her chips and put it on my board.  As the dealer laid out the cards and I reached into signal a hit, I grabbed one more from the drunk guy.  It could have been the alcohol, but it seemed that my confidence level was increasing.  Maybe it was just my competitive nature that wouldn't allow me to settle for anything less than Abby got, but as the night went by I continued swiping.  I walked away when I felt I was up enough and gave the dealer a hundred dollars.

I went to the meeting location to find Abby, but she was no where to be found.  I walked around the casino for a bit more and found another victim at a table.  I sat next to him and looked at the dealer.  Without a wink, the dealer nodded and I grinned from ear to ear.  The man I sat next to had no idea what was about to happen.  As his he won, he lost at the same time.  He looked at me and asked if I was a working girl and I got up with a look of disgust and walked away.  Something about him seemed to be off.  I walked over to the bar, paranoid out of my mind and ordered a drink.

As the bartender handed me a drink I pulled out a couple of the chips to pay him with and he said, don't worry, this one is on the house.  It didn't seem right, so I left him a twenty-five dollar tip and walked away.  As I was walking away, a man approached me and asked if I would accompany him to his room.  I looked at him and was completely unsure of what to do.  In a panic I agreed.  I figured it would get me out of the trouble I could sense was lurking.  On our way to the elevators I stopped at the cage and exchanged my chips.  I looked at him and said "I will join you for a drink, but then I have to go."

The man appeared to be shocked by this response.  I explained that I had gotten separated from my friend and really wanted to head home.  I didn't tell him about the meeting spot, but I knew I had about thirty minutes before the next attempt to find Abby.  As we were going up the elevator, the man and I had a small conversation about where we were from and he told me his name was Mike and he was in town for a meeting.  When we reached the hallway, I asked him what type of meeting he was here for and he turned to me and said "you're under arrest."

I wanted to cry.  All I could do was look at him.  I asked him why he was arresting me and he just said that I knew why I was being arrested.  I really had no clue what was happening or why. I told him that I couldn't stay and that all I could do was have a drink.  I never solicited any services or asked for any money, so I thought maybe they had caught me on camera stealing the money.  From that point on I just kept my mouth shut.

Mike took me into the back of the casino to what appeared to be an entire police station full of undercover cops.  There had to be fifty guys all on patrol.  Some of them with girls they pulled off the floors and others writing their paper work.  Mike took me to a back office that seemed to be more private than the rest and had me sit in the chair.  "What are you doing here?"  "I was with my friend gambling and we were separated, so I was looking for her and about to give up when you asked me to join you for drinks."  "What was your name again?"  "I already told you what my name is Mike."  Mike didn't seem impressed that I had an attitude with him.  "You think I believe your real name is Corey?"  "You should since it's on my ID Mike.  Are you going to explain to me why I am being arrested or should I wait until tomorrow to get that report from my lawyer?"  Mike was silent.  He seemed frustrated, like he knew he was doing something wrong, but following his gut instincts.  Of course he was right, however, I hadn't done anything illegal for him to have arrested me... especially if it wasn't about me palming the chips.

The hum of the refrigerator had gotten loud.  I moved Kiarrah to the other end of the couch and got up to get some water.  

I reached into the fridge in my room and grabbed a soda.  As I closed it and turned he was in my face asking me about the car I had outside.  "I need it to get around.  It's cheaper than paying for taxis and drivers!"  I figured he would be happy to hear that I was trying to save money, but because I didn't ask him permission first he had to show me who was boss.  This was his second time in Las Vegas with me.  He flew in unexpected and surprisingly.  His first time, a year prior, we stayed at some sleazy strip motel across from the old Aladdin.

"Hey Corey, you want to go to a movie tonight after I'm done training?"  "Sure, what time are you going to be done?"  "I should be back anytime between seven and nine, so be ready so we can just go."  "Ok.  See you later.  Have a good day."

As soon as five o'clock hit, I started getting ready for the movie.  When I had finished getting dressed and doing my hair and make-up, I sat down to watch a movie.  When it was over I looked at the clock.  I tried paging him, but he never called me back.  I started another movie and fell asleep on the sofa.  The next morning I realized he didn't come back and I wanted to go home.  I used the calling card I had to call my step mom.  I was telling her that he left me at the hotel alone when we were supposed to go to a movie.  "I'm not happy in Las Vegas.  You said if I didn't go I would always wonder, but I'm here and I want to come home."  She gave me the advice mother's always give and in the middle of the conversation he came storming into the room and ripped the phone out of the wall.

He tossed me around like a rag doll and was choking me.  I was sitting on the floor at the end of the bed while he was sitting on the bed.  I tried grabbing things to throw at him and was unsuccessful.  He flipped me onto the bed and put the pillow over my face.  "Don't you ever call anyone ever again."  That was the last thing I heard before my body went limp and everything around me blackened.

"Corey.  COREY!!!  Wake up!  You're scaring me... for crying out loud, wake up!"  As I gasped for air an immediate escape response reaction occurred and as I sat up, my forehead came in full contact with his face and I broke his nose.  There was blood all over me and all over the hotel room.  I ran out of the room and across to the Aladdin to use a phone.  I called the police and then I called his friend Joe, whom I had met in Seattle and knew was living in Las Vegas.  "I called the police.  He tried to kill me!"  "Corey, you gotta get out of there.  In Las Vegas, the police arrest both people in domestic assaults to ensure both parties show up to court.  Where is he?"  "I think he's still in the room."  "OK, get in a taxi and come to my house.  I'm going to pick him up."

When I pulled up in front of Joe's house, Sunny, his girlfriend came out and paid for the cab fare.  "Come on.  You look like shit."  I followed her into the house.  There were three girls sitting on the couch all looking at me with attitude.  Some guy came out of one of the rooms and told me to go in the room and wait for Joe and Ronnie.  "He had to go to the hospital.  You broke his nose."

I didn't even know who this other guy was, but I could hear the girls in the living room talking about how they wish their man was like mine.  I didn't even know what they were talking about, but I knew they were referring to me and Ronnie.  They didn't even know me and they hated me.  I sat in the empty room on the floor in the corner until after dark.  That was when Joe came in the room.  "I didn't mean to do it Joe.  It was an accident!"  "I know, but there is going to be no fighting in my house and no calling the cops either.  Understand?!"  "Yes."

Ronnie came walking in the room with what looked like two tampons shoved up each nostril.  I wanted to laugh because his eyes were swollen as well and he just looked pathetic, but I knew it wasn't the time.  He closed the door and sat in the corner opposite of me.  "I'm sorry."  I just glared at him and didn't say anything.  Where was he going with this?  Was he sorry because he ended up getting hurt?  "I'm sorry.  I was trying to be something I'm not and tried to control you."  I just continued to stare and listen to what he had to say.  "I just thought because everyone else had girls that were working that I should have one too.  It's easy money and I thought that was what I had to do to get you to work."

"I'm going home.  My mom bought me a ticket and I fly out tomorrow morning."

Silence filled the air.  As I began falling asleep I felt him pull me into his arms and as much as I wanted to pull away, I had no where else to go.  The next morning, he borrowed Joe's car to take me to the airport.  I didn't think he would come inside with me, but he did.  After I checked in he pulled me to the side and begged me to stay.  "I love you and I swear this isn't how I wanted things to be between us.  Don't leave me!  I forgive you for breaking my nose and I will never put my hands on you again, I promise!"

"I'm going home Ronnie.  You should have never put your hands on me in the first place."

Chapter Three

I was not comfortable. I knew I was wrong for what I had done, but I was forgiven like nothing had happened. Concerned, however, Shannon asked questions about what had happened and where I had been. I told her it was best kept for a day when we could sit down and finish a very long story. I asked if she could give me some clothes and watch Kiarrah while I take a shower. Without hesitation, she sat in the living room laughing and playing with my daughter. As I walked towards the bathroom I started thinking again.

The water was flowing down my body. As it fell from my head to my toes, I went into a lucid trance of memories. I was seeing things I didn't want to see and feeling pain I didn't want to feel. I didn't know how I had been so strong. I wasn't sure how I made it through those three years without breaking. After his girlfriend and I got into a fight, he called to tell me that the police were called because she wanted to press charges. I warned him that if he did that, I would charge her for pandering and him for pimping. The police never showed up, so I could only assume they dropped the charges. He always did have a way with words. He probably convinced her not to have me arrested because I was the one bringing them money.

As I sat waiting for the police I remembered the time when I had called the police on him in an attempt to get away. I had just gotten a really bad beating from him for failing to bring $9000 home from Vegas. It was one of the first few I had gotten. I called the police and gave them all the information; where I was, who I was, who he was, dates of birth, what had happened. When the knock on the door finally came, I answered. I was not prepared for what was about to happen.

"Corey?" "Yes." "I'm Gregg Philips and I work with the FBI." I had remembered hearing that name from his mother, but could not remember why. "Can I come in?" "No. I'm by myself and not sure why you are here, but I'm not comfortable letting you in." "I'm here to give you a message: if you call the police on Mr Forrest again, I will personally see to it that you disappear and that no one will even wonder where you or your daughter have gone. Have a nice night." It was his brother, that's why I heard his name before. I slammed the door shut and ran to the bedroom crying.

I found myself on my knees in the shower weeping and Shannon heard me and knocked on the door to ask if I was alright. "I'm fine. I just need a few more minutes." I continued letting the water run down my body and tried to think of something good to change my mood, but I couldn't. My life was about to change and I was not sure what direction the course was going to follow. What if he looks for me? What if he finds me?

I could hear the slot machines as if I was standing in the middle of Caesar's Palace or some other Wynn property. I could see Abby palming more and more chips while making eye contact with the dealer. He could see everything that was going on, but for whatever reason I could tell he wasn't going to say anything. Everyone else at the table was focused on their cards in hopes of beating the dealer. The very next hand, Abby lost and went to get up from the table, but the man whom she had been taking chips from grabbed her arm. I thought he was going to ask her for his money back, but instead, he handed her a black chip and told her to keep playing because she was bringing him luck. So she sat back down and continued playing. She played the chip in one hand and won. As she pulled her winning chip back, she swiped another one of his chips in a single motion. I watched with amazement because this girl had just made around a thousand dollars without going into a room and it took her all of twenty minutes.

When she lost the money he gave her to play he insisted on giving her more to keep her there longer and she said "if you wanted to spend time with me all you had to do was ask!" He looked at her for the first time and whispered his room number and something else. She winked at him and he smiled. She walked over to the dealer and shook his hand. The dealer nodded and we walked straight to the bathroom together. She opened up her sleeve which was full of chips and kept hidden by her purse and dumped the black and yellow chips into her bag. I didn't even realize how much she had taken from this man and I don't think she did either. There had to be close to two or three thousand dollars.

She powered up her nose and said she had to meet him in his room in fifteen minutes, so she had about five to supervise me. "Wink at the dealer when you find a table to sit at. If he nods at you, he knows you know to take care of him, that way he won't give the signal for vice." "Vice?" "Those are the plain clothed police that walk around the casinos looking for free lance girls. You will learn to smell them from a mile away. Let's go get you on a table and see what you can do!"

When I got out of the shower I found Kiarrah passed out in Shannon's arms. She was not too far from dozing off on the couch either. I took Kiarrah and Shannon went to her room. I cuddled up with my baby on the couch. This was the first time I had slept beside her since she was a little baby. It brought some tears to my eyes because I realized, she was the reason I had made it through all of the beatings. I was strong for her. I survived for her. I made it that far for her and I couldn't give up. I had to keep going. This was just a new beginning and I knew I couldn't let anything get in my way. She needed me!

Chapter Two

With no shoes on our feet, no jackets to keep us warm, no money in my wallet and no identification to cross the border all I could do was hope. It had begun raining once we reached Everett and the sound of the drops hitting the roof of the car was almost unbearable. It reminded me of the white noise from the television. He would unplug the cable and turn the tv up loud to muffle the sounds of my cries and screams. Lashes with a leather belt would slap my skin and welts would raise up instantaneously. He liked to hear me cry... the louder I was the sooner he would stop and throw me to the ground and rape me. Sometimes I didn't want him to touch me and I would take the beatings because those scars were always less damaging.

"Pull over Jenn. I can't take it!" I had started crying and needed out of the car for fresh air. I wasn't really sure why I was crying either, but it was like years of built up pain was finally able to come out. Pent up emotions reached the surface layers and my facade was removed. I didn't know who I was anymore. I lost an identity that I had grown accustom to and was free to be myself... but who am I?

Jenn yelled from the car to me, but I could not hear anything she said over the rain and my cries. "Get out of the rain! You're going to get sick!" I walked towards the car with intentions of getting back in, but I couldn't do it. I turned back around and walked away. Jenn got out of the car and ran over to me. When she was able to reach me I was spun around and found myself crying on her shoulder. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid he will find me. I'm afraid I'll never move forward. I don't even know where I'm going right now or what I'm going to do when I get there." I wasn't able to convey everything I was feeling because I didn't understand all the mixed emotions myself. As we stood in the rain, me in my bare feet, she held me and had began crying herself. She begged me to get back in the car and out of the rain and I obliged.

When we got in the car, my daughter asked me what was wrong. She had woken up when Jenn yelled from the car and I told her a lie. I needed to preserve her innocence, so I lied. "I'm afraid of lightening and when I saw a bolt come down I thought it was going to hit us in the car." Of course she believed me. She smiled and said something I will never forget, "you don't have be afraid mommy. I'm here to keep you safe." And she was right.

Jenn continued to drive up interstate 5 towards Canada. My daughter had fallen back to sleep and I looked over at Jenn who had streaks down her cheek from crying. She looked at me and told me that this was not going to be easy. "I'm not going to lie to you and promise that everything is going to get better right away because it's not. It took me five years to get to a place within myself that allowed me to be the person I am today. You have a long difficult road ahead of you, but don't give ever give up."

I didn't respond. I just looked back out the window and tried to ignore the white noise above. She was right though and I think that was why I was afraid. I wasn't secure enough with myself and I didn't believe that I could make it through the trying times ahead. All I had been up until this point was a hustler and a bartender, but I needed to make fast cash so I could get us a home. Then I remembered the stash I had hidden back in Las Vegas. I just needed to get someone to lend me money for a flight so I could go get it. I had put aside for emergencies, like when I didn't make enough money through the week and I wanted to avoid getting beaten. I had $28,000 hidden in my hotel room.

He used to make me bring $9000 a week. If there wasn't a detecter that made sure I wasn't leaving Las Vegas with $10,000 he would have made me bring him that ten, but because he wanted to evade the IRS I was given a thousand dollar grace each week. Sometimes I would splurge on myself and buy a new outfit or rent a car to get around, but for the most part, the money was put into the hiding spot for the days I didn't want to work or didn't make enough to take back to Seattle.

I would fly out of Vegas on Tuesday afternoon and return Wednesday evening each week. When I brought all the money with me I was granted a visit with my daughter. However, when I didn't bring enough, I was beaten and not allowed to see her in that condition. Those weeks I would go back to Vegas and work non-stop until I had what I needed, then I would send some through western union and keep the rest for the next trip back. This often made me short for the next weeks installment, so it was a vicious cycle that was hard to get out of. 

I eventually found my niche. I had started in an agency, going from hotel to hotel for very little money. The first few times I cried and the guys felt sorry for me and would let me leave with the money without doing anything. I thought I had a scheme all figured out, but then I met a guy who really didn't care about the tears. He wanted what he wanted and wasn't taking no for an answer. As time went by I learned how to shut it all out; the sounds, the scents, the sensations. Then I figured out the art of faking it. A little extra flesh on the inner thigh proved to be a positive.

I found myself inside a strip club. I was dancing for dollars inside a club called Cheetahs. I met a few girls there and they taught me a few tricks of their own. I used those to my advantage and the jobs kept getting easier and easier. At the same time, I was drinking more and more to mask the pain. At the end of the night, sometimes the girls would want to go to an after hours or come by my room and relax. Jessica found out that my so called man never comes to Vegas with me and labeled me a renegade with all the pimps in Las Vegas. My name got around fast and every corner I turned was a potential trap. It was worse than running from the police.

After two weeks of not coming up with enough money, I decided to tell him that the pimps had me on the chase and weren't letting me work. He made a few phone calls to a couple guys and before I knew it, no one was bothering me anymore, but I was not allowed to go back to Cheetahs. 

I decided I wanted to learn the carpet and do free lance. I was tired of giving money to clubs and agencies. The thousands I was giving them each week could have saved me from so many brutal lashes. Unfortunately, I didn't know the first thing about working the strip. That's when I ran into an old friend from Vancouver. She was a pro on the floor and could catch a fish with a batt of a lash. I liked her style and figured I could learn things from her for less than agency fees each week. So her and I teamed up, she taught me a few things, but I found myself intrigued with the tables. Sometimes I would sit down and spend ten or twenty dollars and walk away with a hundred or two. Abby told me that if I was going to sit at a table to make it work for me. I watched as she sat next to a man playing hundred dollar hands. When he wasn't looking she would take one of his chips and slip it up her sleeve.

"What is your citizenship ladies?" "I'm American and her and her daughter are Canadian." "How long were you in the US ma'am?" 'Ma'am' I thought. 'I bet he means madam doesn't he?' I couldn't help but think this guy had met me in Vegas, but I looked over towards him and said "I was there for a week." "Are you bringing anything back with you?" "No sir, just my clothes." "Alright then ladies, you have a good evening."

God was definitely on my side. As I released a sigh of relief I could feel a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I guided Jenn towards my friends house. The closer we got, the more nervous I had begun to feel. What if she wasn't home? What if she couldn't take us in? Where would I go? Who would I call? The questions were running through my head faster than I could come up with any answers.

As we pulled up in front of Shannon's house, I sat in the car and looked at it to make sure it was the right house. I wanted to see if I could see her inside or not, but the curtains were closed. I walked towards the door and when I knocked, I heard the television go silent in the back room. I knocked again and within a minute the door was opened. I looked at her and she looked at me from head to toe. I was still wet from standing in the rain and the fact that I wasn't wearing any shoes was a clear sign of destitution. "Oh my God! What happened to you? Where is my God daughter?" With my eyes already welled up with tears and red from crying all day I fell into her arms and said "I'm so happy to see you!"

She invited me in, but I told her I had to run to the car to get Kiarrah. She told me to hold on and went to the closet to get some slippers and a sweater. I put them on and went back to the car. Jenn smiled. "Welcome to your new life. Be safe Corey!" She got out to give me one last hug. She knew this was going to be the last time we ever saw one another just as much as I knew it.

Chapter One

The sky is grey. It isn't raining, but it will probably rain later tonight. My head is resting against the cold glass of the passenger side of my friends Ford Taurus. I'm staring blankly at the grey sky. I'd like to say that nothing is on my mind, but that would be a bold face lie. Everything that has happened to me over the past three years was playing and replaying in my head.

My mind flashes back a few years to the day I first met you. You seemed harmless and perhaps, just as lost as me. I remember thinking of how refreshing it was to meet someone who is different than the rest. I was intrigued. With a sigh I shake my head for thinking so stupidly. Instantly, I went from that memory to the one where you had me tied to a chair in a dimly lit room. I was crying and begging for my life and it didn't matter to you because I had made a mistake. I had to pay the price for making a mistake. I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. While reliving the moment, my heart rate increases and tears fall down my cheek. I'm glad I have finally gotten away.

Like a time machine I am whisked to a moment when you were bandaging the wounds you had just inflicted on me. As you wiped the blood from my face I remember looking in your eyes and thinking that it wasn't your fault that you are the way you are. I felt sorry for you because for a moment, I thought I saw a decent man hidden behind someone who was created to protect him from the world. Again, the click of the trigger being pulled while the pistol was in my mouth reminded me of how stupid I was for ever thinking anything humane about you.

I was going home and the two hour drive from Seattle to Vancouver seemed so much longer than it had before. My friend Jenn who was driving reaches over and puts her hand on my knee and I couldn't help but jump. It had been years since anyone touched me with compassion or concern. I look at her and realize that I panicked and she tells me not to worry. I look in the backseat of the car and see my baby girl sleeping peacefully. She didn't have a clue what was going on, or what had been happening for years. I turn and face forward and fix my head against the window and stare at the clouds wondering what I'm going to do now...

I became comfortable with my life. I never imagined I would ever be able to escape. I had many chances to leave, but I wasn't going to leave without my daughter. I settled into the structure of doing things I never wanted to do. I even got good at it. I learned how to take a beating without flinching. The hits to my ribs eventually stopped hurting and bruises would heal. He stopped hitting me in the face when he realized the damage he caused prevented me from going to work and bringing him money, but he began doing things he knew would hurt me on the inside so he could maintain his control over me.

He would tell me things like "ain't no nigga gonna wanna raise some other nigga's baby" and "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" and I believed him. I was young and very afraid, so I listened. The first time I heard about the other girl, I lost my mind. I went to the house, slashed the tires in the car I bought him, destroyed the keyholes and poked holes in the soft top. Then I knocked on the door. As SHE opened the door I pushed passed her. He was sitting on the couch with his friend playing video games. When he looked up and saw me he jumped and told me to follow him outside. He didn't even grab my arm... I guess he didn't want HER to see how abusive he was towards me. I followed him, but I stopped at the door and slammed it behind him and closed the latch. SHE obviously knew about me because as I was cussing him out she had a look on her face that gleamed I told you so.

I turned to her after locking the door and asked if she knew me. "You're Kiarrah's mom." She said as she held her glass of wine in one hand and her other holding her hip. I asked what do you know about me? She decided to be cocky at the wrong time and told me about all the things I had furnished her home with and quickly I grabbed MY new blender and hit her in the face with it. He was yelling from the other side of the door to his friend. He commanded him to stop the fight between HER and I, but he was afraid. Instead he opened the door for him. He pulled me off of her and threw me out the door. I went back to the house and cried.

I glance back at the clock realizing how much time had passed. We were sitting at a gas station refueling the car and my friend asked me if I wanted anything to drink. "No thank you." I hadn't even realized the car had stopped. I was so entranced by my past that everything that was happening seemed surreal. I looked back at my daughter who was still sleeping and couldn't help but cry. I didn't know what I was going to do when I got back to Vancouver. Get a job? Go to school? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? There was only one person I could think of, but I was ashamed to even call her. She didn't know what I had been through or where I had gone. I just up and disappeared one day and never came back. She heard from me every now and again, but I lied to her about everything and told her that I was happy. I knew she was still living in the same place, so it was the only hope I had.

How did I get to this point? Just an hour ago I was standing in the kitchen with his mother as she was telling me she needed to go to the store.

"I gotta go to the grocery store. I'll be back in ten minutes, ok?" "Yes big mama." "Don't you go nowhere now you hear?" "Yes big mama."

That woman walks too slow to be back in ten minutes. I knew it took her at least fifteen to get to the store and then depending on what she was getting there was an extra five to ten minutes plus the fifteen it would take her to get back. I'm so nervous. I think this is a test, but what if it is my only chance to escape? As I pick up the receiver, expecting the phone to not work the tone sent chills up and down my body. I dialed my friends pager number and put the secret code her and I had discussed a couple years prior to let her know now is the time. She only lived a few blocks away, but what if she was out doing something or with the kids... would she get to me with enough time for me to get away? I stood by the window, waiting and biting my nails. I was paranoid and looking all around to see if this was a set up. I tried seeing past the stairs. I looked into the laundry room. I checked the trees and bushes, but I saw nothing, yet I believed when I opened the door and ran for the car that he would pop up and give me the worst beating of my life and I would be stuck in this situation forever.

As Jenn pulled up a tingling sensation went through my entire body. I grabbed my daughter and opened the door. I had to take the risk because I knew if I didn't I would definitely be trapped forever. I had to try even if he was standing outside waiting to see what I would do. With our shoes and jackets locked in the room, we ran out in our bare feet straight to her car. She pulled out of the driveway and on to the streets and all I could do was look back to see if anyone was following. Now we're half way to Canada. No one is following us, but what am I going to do now? That is all that keeps running through my head. I lean against the glass as Jenn gets back in the car. She doesn't say anything because she knows what I'm going through. She had been in a similar situation a few years back and now she's doing great for herself. She was running a business, married with two more children and seemed to be happy, so I should be able to pull my life back together as well. Right?